Sound Like My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Don't Give Away For Free

A man with two swollen and discolored eyes came into the pub.

“Phew, they’re beauties,” gasped the barman sympathetically. “Who gave them to you?”

"They don’t give these away for free,” replied the man with a rueful grin. “You have to fight for them.”